Welcome to Crossville, TN

Where Excitement Goes to Die

Experience the Void

Where mediocrity isn't just a standard, it's our proud tradition.

About Our "Gem" of a Town

Nestled in the forgettable part of Tennessee, Crossville proudly stands as a monument to mundanity. Founded in 1856 by people who clearly had nowhere better to go, our town has maintained its commitment to absolute averageness for generations.

While other towns evolved and developed personality, Crossville made the bold choice to remain stuck in time – specifically, the most boring time possible. Our 11,000 residents wake up each day to the thrilling reality that nothing exciting will happen today, tomorrow, or possibly ever.

We're known as the "Golf Capital of Tennessee" because apparently, watching grass grow and occasionally hitting a ball across it is the height of entertainment around here.

Empty, boring street

Our main street on its most exciting day of the year.

Things You Could Be Doing (Elsewhere)

Exciting city skyline

In Real Cities:

Vibrant arts districts with galleries, museums, and cultural events that stimulate your mind and inspire creativity.

Empty parking lot

In Crossville:

A faded mural from 1986 and a community center that hosts the annual "Watching Paint Dry" competition.

Exciting concert

In Exciting Places:

Live music venues featuring everything from indie bands to symphony orchestras, with performances that move your soul.

Empty stage

In Crossville:

Dave who plays three chords on his guitar at the local diner every third Tuesday, if he's not too tired.

Adventure park

In Fun Towns:

Adventure parks, hiking trails with breathtaking views, and outdoor activities that get your adrenaline pumping.

Empty bench

In Crossville:

A park bench with a view of the highway and the thrilling opportunity to count cars passing by.

Culinary "Delights"

While other towns enjoy diverse culinary scenes with innovative chefs and international cuisine, Crossville proudly offers the same five chain restaurants you can find in any forgettable town across America.

Our local specialty? Overcooked everything with a side of disappointment. Don't miss our town's famous "Beige Food Festival" where everything served matches the color of our collective personality.

For a real treat, visit one of our three fast food establishments where the employees look just as dead inside as you'll feel after living here for a month.

"I once asked for a recommendation for the best restaurant in town and the local pointed me to the highway out of town."
— A Wise Visitor Who Didn't Stay
Fancy restaurant elsewhere

What restaurants look like in actual cities (not pictured: anything in Crossville)

Nightlife (Or Lack Thereof)

When the sun sets in vibrant cities, the night comes alive with clubs, bars, theaters, and endless possibilities for adventure. In Crossville, the sun sets and that's your cue to go to bed.

Our nightlife consists primarily of watching the Walmart parking lot lights turn on. For extra excitement, you can count the stars while contemplating all your life choices that led you to this moment.

The town's unofficial slogan after 8 PM is "Maybe Try Netflix?" – assuming your internet connection can handle streaming, which is about as reliable as our promises of entertainment.

Weekly Highlight:

Every Friday night, witness the thrilling spectacle of teenagers driving slowly around the same block for hours because there's literally nothing else to do.

Vibrant nightlife elsewhere

What people in real cities do at night (a foreign concept in Crossville)

Escape Plans (The Only Thing Worth Planning Here)

The Highway Method

The most popular escape route: get on I-40 and drive in literally any direction. Every mile takes you closer to somewhere better.

The Job Transfer

Apply for any position anywhere else. Even a demotion in a real city beats a promotion in Crossville.

The Education Excuse

Apply to any college not in Crossville. Study anything. The subject doesn't matter as long as it's elsewhere.

The Dramatic Exit

Save up for a one-way ticket to anywhere. Tell everyone you're "finding yourself" when really you're just finding the exit.

Time Until You Could Be Somewhere Better:

00 Days
00 Hours
00 Minutes
00 Seconds

Every second counts when you're stuck in Crossville!

Words from the Trapped

"I've lived in Crossville for 40 years, and each day feels longer than the last. My only hobby is planning my escape, but I'm too tired from the boredom to actually leave."

— Margaret, Age 62

"I once saw someone smiling in Crossville. Turns out they were just passing through on their way to Nashville. That makes sense."

— Tom, Reluctant Resident

"The most exciting thing that happened here was when the grocery store got a new type of bread. We talked about it for weeks."

— Jessica, Counting the Days

"I told my friends I was moving to Crossville and they threw me a funeral. Now I understand why."

— New Guy, Already Regrets It

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